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Monday, July 10th, 2006
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2:55 am - The Great Communicator
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The thing you have to understand is that I try, really try (italics mine) in this relationship. I often extend myself to the outer-limits of good husbandry and in return I receive nothing but dispirited meanness.
Narcissa does not communicate. She is, in a word, uncommunicative, or for you scholarly types incommunicado. Mine own overtures at life-sharing are often ignored or worse belittled. Case in point...
This morning as we broke our fast, I buttering my morning bread, she reading the Quibbler I made the odd remark about work, odds and ends, what might gorw in the garden or what might not grow in the garden (turnips have figured largely in these thoughts for some time) and Narcissa completely ignored me. You can't have Ignorance without Ignoring.
Finally, I was about to throw my metaphorical hands symbolically into the imaginary air (I couldn't do it for real I was buttering my toast [![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) lucius_on_base, post 6960 , paragraph three] when this exhcange occurred).
Lucius Malfoy: "Oh, and Dandlebey in Accounting has a tumor. A bad one. He's being replaced by Sacklesworth."
Narcissa Malfoy nee Black: Read, read read.
Lucius Malfoy: "He's going in for treatment to St. Mungo's."
Narcissa Malfoy nee Black: Read, read, read.
Lucius Malfoy: "Apparently it's somewhere in his nuterus."
Narcissa Malfoy nee Black: Read, read, rea-- "What?" Paper goes down.
Lucius Malfoy: "Dandlebey in Accounting has a tumor."
Narcissa Malfoy nee Black: "No. What was that last thing you said -- about where it is?"
Lucius Malfoy: "The Doctors think it's in his nuterus."
Narcissa Malfoy nee Black: Laughs. "His what?!"
Lucius Malfoy: "His nuterus."
Narcissa Malfoy nee Black: "Nuterus?!" Laughter.
Lucius Malfoy: "I don't think it's very funny. He may have to get it removed."
Narcissa Malfoy nee Black: "His nuterus removed!" Much more laughter.
Lucius Malfoy: "I think you are being very insensitive end I am ending my involvement in this conversation."
Narcissa Malfoy nee Black: "Don't get your nuterus in a bunch!" Falls over laughing in a very insensitive way.
Lucius Malfoy: Exits with an air of restrained dignity.
Now that i think about it, doesn't she have a cousin named Nuterus? I'll ask her later when I'm not so cross.
current mood: pained
current music: Quelle makes l'homme hate another l'homme
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| Wednesday, June 28th, 2006
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11:31 pm
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A fortnight ago I was on my way to the quarterly meeting of the Collection Of Solicited Charitable Funds Councillors, a group which consists of myself and several socially-prominent wizards who have nothing better to do than throw money around. Also Arthur Weasley is the Ministry-appointed chairman, which is ironic due to his profound lack of Galleons. He could definitely benefit from the charitable funds I so generously solicit.
Anyway, as I entered the conference room I could hear giggling and a woman saying, "I'm positive he colour-charms his hair!" but when everyone saw me they stopped laughing and an awkward silence descended upon the room. Dora Dingle cleared her throat and Fabian Merrythought shuffled some papers.
"Who are you guys talking about?" I asked. It sounded pretty funny.
"Er...we were...um..." Dora looked around. "Just this man...Bucius. Bucius Balfoy." Someone in the back snorted.
I had never heard of this Balfoy character but I didn't want to look ignorant, especially in front of Arthur, so I bluffed. "Oh, right, him. Did you see what he was wearing today?"
Everybody laughed very heartily at this and so I did too. Fabian bobbed his head violently and banged his fist on the table. Arthur was shaking and wiping tears from his eyes. I could tell by the look on his face that he knew I had outwitted him, by that I mean I was wittier than he and not smarter, but I am that as well. He could never be so clever. I made a few more jokes about Balfoy's hair and wife to loosen the atmosphere and by the time the meeting finally got called to order everyone was in a jovial sort of mood. The meeting was fairly boring, but strangely now and then I'd hear almost a choking sound, usually just after I readjusted my hair ribbon. Probably rats.
I've been asking around about Bucius Balfoy since then, but no one seems to know who I'm talking about. He does sound like a prat but I'm very interested in this colour charm business.
current mood:  mischievous
current music: 3am eternal - the KLF
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| Saturday, March 18th, 2006
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1:18 am
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Narcissa and I are having a disagreement again. Most nights after supper now I am down in the basement working very hard on my podcast, previously mentioned in an earlier journal entry, about Wizard Cards, and I have to research the history of each witch and/or wizard. So I have stacks of notebooks, quills, papers, cards and other research material arranged in apple boxes next to my desk. The great thing about apple boxes is that they can be quickly unstacked, and temporarily be conveniently stacked in the aisle way. Then the items needed can be retrieved from a lower box, then the boxes in the aisle can be re-stacked, out of the aisle way. I think this is an excellent organisational method.
Narcissa does not approve of my apple boxes. I placed a sticker shaped like the Dark Mark on each apple box to make it more appealing to her pureblooded side, but all she says is "Get your crap out of the basement before I Incendio the lot of it," which is highly unfair. I should mention that Ratchet also enjoys the apple boxes, especially sleeping in them.
So I told Narcissa, "You do not love me, because a researcher needs research materials, and I am a researcher." And she said I was getting fat around the middle.
current mood:  discontent
current music: Klymaxx
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| Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
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10:40 pm
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Today, whilst I was at work, it snowed. By the time I set out for home it was quite deep. I trudged home towards Malfoy manor through the fallow field and the drifts were almost knee-deep. I was very much afraid that I would be lost and my absence at home would go unnoticed -- Narcissa says I'm only good for heating leftovers and cleaning the catbox.
I nearly fell down the hill twice, and the second time, kneeling as I was, I saw that the snow was marked by deep trench-like gashes. Moving further away, I was actually able to make out that the first trench was in an R shape.
I hurried down the rest of the hill as fast as I could, rolling like a pureblooded snowball for most of it. But when I looked up from the bottom, I could see that some gigantic hand had carved words into the snow-covered mound. Why, the letters must have been the height of a man, if not a particularly tall one, but in all other aspects the snow was pristine. No footprints or wheel ruts. Just Snow and words.
I was so stunned at first that i thought it must be a message from God just for me.
Now, farther away, and back in my warm room it seems silly, but still His message is with me. Writ large across the hill was the name...
RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON
current mood:  surprised
current music: Cream by Prince & the New Power Generation
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| Tuesday, January 24th, 2006
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9:38 pm
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There are a few guys that work on level seven in the Ludicrous Patents Office that think I am pretty cool in the pureblooded sort of way, and always want me to go hang out with them. I put it off because they were younger than me and I'm still tremulous. But one day one of them killed some time in the hallway and talked about a badly done segment about the lack of new Chocolate Frog Famous Witches and Wizard Cards on the Wizarding Wireless Network. That was spark 1. Spark 2 was the new card collecting software program I just installed the previous evening (it really keeps track of fluctuating card values). Spark 3 actually came out of my wand, I was so excited.
So, I asked those guys if they want to do a podcast about Famous Witches and Wizard Cards with me, and they were pretty excited to say the least. We are calling it Lucius Malfoy and Friends' Famous Witches and Wizard Cards Review (not revue). It will be a weekly 25-30 minute show each week about Wizard Cards and all the things that relate to Wizard Cards in some way...the chocolate frogs themselves, Quidditch players, the Weird Sisters, etc. We will have news, reviews, features such as interviews with creators, behind the scenes at Wizard Card conventions, looks at upcoming projects, occasional fanboy rants (but fanboy antics will be at a minimum overall). Every few episodes we'll have a funny bit...one of the guys does a bit called "Drunken Grindelwald" that is amusing...I'm thinking Chef-style of funny bits. Plus we'll have a website with pictures of us and Ratchet. We'll be distributing the show via the web and hopefully the WWN. I've worked up some promotional ideas and eventually looking into sponsorship, probably from the Quibbler or my mother.
It's funny, as I actually have some experience I can bring to the project. i worked at the WWN studio after Hogwarts. I know alot about Wizard cards. And I retain water pretty well. I've also learned that I can write newscast dialogue pretty well.....
I told Narcissa about it and she said, "Who'd want a pod full of Lucius?"
So I said back to her, after arching my eyebrow in the cool way that Snape copycats because he can't think of a way to arch his own eyebrow without stealing someone else's eyebrow arch, I said, "The whales, baby. The whales."
current mood: flirty
current music: mexican radio
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| Thursday, December 22nd, 2005
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10:32 pm
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Narcissa has been asking me a lot of questions about why exactly I am going to the Ministry as I don't have "employment" there per se. What has happened is I was given an honourary position as Councillor At Large Regarding Events Pertaining To The Collection Of Solicited Charitable Funds, Patron Division. I take this position very seriously and monitor a lot of goings-on although I fear due to this I am getting a reputation as the town busybody. The Ministry is very much like a large town and as you know every town needs its colourful local characters. If Narcissa worked at the Town of Ministry she would be known as Narcissa the Town Bully. I would actually say the Ministry is more of a small city in size but at heart it is like a village, or whatever is smaller than a town. Maybe a hamlet. Narcissa could definitely be mean enough to bully an entire hamlet. Happy Christmas.
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| Friday, December 16th, 2005
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3:28 am - Pickle, Pickle. Where's My Pickle.
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Fat people have a smell that I've noticed. Not that I try to smell them because I don't. That would be distasteful to a man of taste such as myself. Tasteful men must smell the fat through no desire of their own but their it is. What can you do. Sometimes I wish I could keep a satsuma in my handkercheif.
The Christmas cheer is infecting everyone. Well, except Narcissa but she doesn't have a Christian bone in her body. Sometimes I wish she did. Not in that pervy way, mind but a Christian bone that she could choke on. That sounds pervy too but I don't mean it that way. I don't mean to be perverse about my wife nor do I mean to smell the scent of obesity! So let's drop it.
But you know, the second she started to choke on a Christian bone someone like Saint Blaise would run up and cure her in a Christian way, I'm sure. Not that Blaise that "hangs" avec Draco but the older bearded and canonised Blaise. The one who dealt in throat bones.
I just found a chocolate in my pocket.
current music: Who's that eating nasty food?
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| Saturday, December 10th, 2005
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3:52 am
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Well it has been a busy week at the Ministry what with all the holidays and that. The christmas gift exchange is next Monday and I have been hearing rumours (like Bananarama did) that Arthur Weasley is my secret Father Christmas and I am not happy about this because he has been my secret gift partner before and due to his poorness he always sends me a poor man's gift and I know it's from him because no one else at the Ministry is as poor as he is. By he I mean Arthur Weasley. Who is not much of a Father when it's not Christmas or during the holiday season.
One year he gave me a quill that wrote in different colours all by itself without me having to use a magic spell on it which I reluctantly commend him for doing. That is a fantastic bit of quill really and I signed a lot of important documents with a flourish. but another year he gave me a coupon for a free sandwich and soup at the Leaky Cauldron. Like i need free soup. The soup I get is the soup I pay for and I don't scrimp when it comes to soup. If you have ever had the soup at the Leaky Cauldron you know it isn't worth a coupon or even two coupons. But I did take the sandwich part of the deal and it was corned beef. I am unhappy that the Leaky Cauldron server would not give me the soup part of the coupon back but that's a story for another time.
I drew Kingsley Shacklebolt and I am going to get him something expensive with which to polish his aforementioned bolt. A cadeau if you will. That's what you call a real gift, arthurweasley. Or is it chapeau?
current mood:  impressed
current music: christmas in hollis
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| Monday, December 5th, 2005
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2:45 am
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Narcissa is really getting to be quite the porker. For real. The other day I was saving an apple pie. It was an extra pie the muggle woman at McDonald's, a muggle eatery complete with eating muggles (not eating of but eaten by) gave me. The woman gave me an extra apple pie by way of making up for the fact that it took so long to get my McRib even though the average time at the register was 30.698 seconds to be served. They were Muggles though.So, it was definitely more like several minutes, maybe more before the McZRib came and she gave me a pie and said, "I'm sorry, here's a pie." This may be because:
A) I am hot.
B) On the "How to Salvage a Bad Customer Experience" poster it said use the "Wow Factor"
Well, I said, "Wow." And took the pie from the Muggle. If all Muggles were the sort that gave pies I disthink the Dark lord and I would be against them. Anyway, it was an extra pie. Not a primary Pie but that is no excuse. I put the pie away because I couldn't finish it when I ate the McRib because I had also purchased fries with my money. I ate the fries and the mcRib and as I have made clear I put the pie away. The pie was in this "away" state when I left it, but when i returned a few hours later it was "away" in the other sense, meaning its away-ness was of the more metaphysical sort. Like it was gone.
So, I asked Narcissa if she had eaten the pie that I had been saving and of course she lied and said no. She said maybe a house elf ate it and yelled at me for giving Dobby a sock and I said it wasn't my idea and she was trying to change the subject. Narcissa is a hard nut to crack and I figured if she had eaten the pie she wouldn't tell me anyway, so I tried to make up with her and I called her some cute names I made up for her like "Narcolepsy" and then we started making out and I put my head at her neck and tried to smell her for pie but all I could smell was gin and desperation.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Shaggy
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| Sunday, December 29th, 2002
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9:45 pm
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Today I bought a shirt that says, "YOU BIATCH!" I spent the rest of the day looking for a fabric store so I could buy a comma iron/magic-on. Now my shirt says, "YOU, BIATCH!"
I also bought some Sketchers.
Arthur Weasley was poor and mud blooded today. I had a tryst with a liason of his from an office meeting, she says he never makes enough copies, the liason said that. In office parlance liason dangereuse. Dangerous Liasons. or Valmont. He can't afford the copies I supposse. He'll never be able to own an original. Weasley is poor as a dog with no money.
To many cheves spoil the broth. Not chives, you biatch.
current mood: accomplished
current music: Betty Boo "doin the Do"
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| Friday, December 20th, 2002
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8:57 pm - Michael Moore is a fat name drooper
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Harry Potter is not a good child and I think Dumbledore should kick his ass out of Hogwarts. I mean he is always getting into trouble. Why doesn't my kid, Draco, get to do more. I wish I went to Hogwarts. Sometimes I think about taking a polyjuice potion and sneeking into hogwarts as a first year so i could get sorted, but you know thios time i would be a girl - so as to throw people off- not for a gay reason, becasue I amn't gay.
My name would be stelladora moon-thistle lupin and i would be the siter of Lupin's nephew's daughter's husband's groom. I would be very good at transfiguration and I would have many adventures as the heir of Slytherin becuase i would be able to open the Chamber of Secrets.
Snape would never get up into my business, biznatch.
current mood:  bouncy
current music: Barb LP
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| Saturday, December 7th, 2002
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2:58 am - Free Style
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Arthur Weasley was all up in my business at the Ministry today. By the way, I have misplaced my pillbox. If you find it return it to Lucius Malfoy @ Malfoy Manor. If you ring the doorbell and no one answers drop it in the letter slot, where the owls drop letters into that slot. Bam! I will give a reward but I won't tell you how much cuz then you might think well hey this is a nice pillbox so I should probably keep it. No, I won't tell you how much of a reward but I assure you it will be more than Weasley makes. No wonder everyone calls him "Po' Weasley" behind his back. And I don't mean he looks like the Pokemon Po - ferom that muggle show on the fellavision - teletubbies. He has red hair but that is where the similarities end between him and Po. If he found my pillbox i might as well just give the thing up. Weasley, not Po.
I would like to put my hand up his wives dress to look for it though, hmmmmm hmmmm and work my gloved pimp hand. I am a bit of a pimp, which bit i won't say.
BROS BEFORE HOS
That's what it said on the bus today and I agree with it wholeheartedly. Come to think of it, that was the last place I saw my pillbox.
current mood: sugar
current music: gorillaz
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| Tuesday, November 19th, 2002
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12:14 pm
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So bloody bored. Why do I even keep this ridiculous muggle device? Oh, right. To torment Arthur Weasley over the "internet". Neither Arthur nor Molly has posted an entry in months. The last one being about the Wizard's Duel Weasley and I were supposed to have. Like the coward he is, he never showed up. Blamed it on the Ministry. Said he had "important business" to be settled immediately. We purebloods, mudbloods, and muggles know the truth. Arthur Weasley is a pimp. That said, I'll be off to look for something to do on this thing. Anyone want to play? Anyone?
current mood: bored
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| Monday, July 1st, 2002
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9:58 pm
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Yes, I'm still alive for those of you wondering where I was.
current mood:  annoyed
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| Tuesday, May 28th, 2002
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2:19 am
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How interesting. My stepdaughter sashya contacted me the other day. I do hope she comes to the Manor for a visit. My life has been dreadfully boring lately. No mudlboods to harass, no women to sleep with....no Master to serve. It has been so long since he's called for me. I do hope he knows that I am a faithful servant, and I will never ever do anything to disprove that. I'm guessing arthurweasley has had to cancel his internet bill again. He hasn't updated in a few weeks. Neither has his wife Molly. Ah, Molly...what fun it is to drive her crazy by flirting with her. I say, the best way to hurt Weasley is to sleep with his teddy bear. Of course, I could always...force her to. But no. I don't need to force myself on women, thank you very much. Besides, it would be so much more fun to have her willingly. It will happen, I tell you. Eventually. And Draco will get Ginny. And the Weasley family will be torn apart forever. Ah, life will be good again ;)
current mood: bored
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| Monday, May 13th, 2002
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10:44 am - Hmmm.....
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Its been awhile since I've updated. Anyone miss me? *smirk* Thats ok; I didn't miss any of you either. But since you insist on reading my journal, I will tell you where I've been. I've been having the time of my life with that little black girl I mentioned last time. It was amazing. I was able to sneak her into the castle and my stupid silly drunk wife Narcissa never even noticed! Not that I really care anyway. But Whoopi and I are through now. She was fun for awhile, but I think she was wanting me to divorce Narcie and marry her just so she could get her hands on my money. Um..no. I don't think so, my dear.
On another note, I found a journal I created while I was at Hogwarts: malfoylucius. Its a special journal that only lets you read that day's entries. For instance, if today is May 13, and I think it is (I'm not stupid like arthurweasley for merlin's sake) you can only read the journal entries corresponding to May 13, 1980 for today. So you could not read June 15, 1980's entries until June 15 of this year. Interesting ;) I almost forgot how much I hated those stupid Marauder's. Potter, Black, Lupin, Pettigrew and Potter's mudblood girlfriend Evans. Lame, lame, lame! Oh, and reading that journal makes me remember how much I used to love her then ;) My how the times have changed.
I fell out of my chair laughing when I read Weasley's latest journal entry. He couldn't afford this "intranet" service so he had to cancel it. This extremely cheap internet service those retarded muggles created. I think I'll go back to harassing him and Molly now ;)
current mood:  blah
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| Sunday, April 14th, 2002
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2:22 am - Draco, don't read this............
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I'm amused. I suppose I should be insulted, but the whole situation is just too damn funny in my opinion. As well as pathetic. You see, Narcissa got drunk the other night and slept with Vincent Crabbe. Its too funny to be insulting really. I mean, does she honestly think she can get even with me by sleeping with him? Seriously. What in the world does he have that I don't? Except acne and a Pog collection. What do I have that he doesn't? Looks, money, power, and well, the list could go on forever. Now Crabbe is gloating about how he "conquered" my wife. I just laughed in his face. Narcie must have been EXTREMELY drunk. Honestly. But meanwhile, I've been having fun with this cute little black girl who was a few years a head of Draco and recently graduated. I've been too busy to annoy Arthur and Molly.
current mood: amused
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| Sunday, April 7th, 2002
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12:42 pm - I am the man.
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I've taken Molly off my background. Why? Like any of you really care. And speaking of Molly.....no, I'd better not say. Lets just say I gave her a nice surprise today. ;)
(in the ass)
by which I mean the surprise.
It was an in the ass sort of surprise. In a sexual way. Sex dans l'ass! Merci. Au revoir. Ooh la la. Bidet. Chevrolet. French fries.
current mood:  satisfied
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| Friday, April 5th, 2002
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11:08 am
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voldemort has a journal! But, most unfortunately, he does not update anymore. That's what happens when you are blown up into fetushood. So what's new in my life? Well, I ran into the very healthy Molly Weasley yesterday in Diagon Alley. Started flirting with her. Of course, at this point she is mortally offended that I would think I could lure her away from Arthur, but that will change of course. I have a way with women, it's called sex. They just can't resist me. And I'm pleased to say that my young Draco is becoming the same way. I see how many women want him. Two. And I say to you, Draco: Keep up the good work, my dear son. ;)
current mood:  devious
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| Tuesday, April 2nd, 2002
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2:57 am - Arthur, you're not going to like this ;)
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Look at my background image, Weasley! Look, I've got your sexy wife as my background image! What do you think about that? ;)
current mood: devious
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